If I ever get pregnant (which would be a medical miracle) this is what I’d do to make everyone jealous.

1. Before I start showing I’d steal someone else’s baby.

2. Take a bunch of nudish pics with it.

3. Then I’d go ahead and let myself be a normal prego fat swollen seminated blob.

4. After I had the baby I’d send out the pics of me nudish with the stolen baby.

5. Everyone would comment about how amazing I look after just having a baby and my self-esteem would be through the goddamn roof!